The Coronavirus has brought many things into the mainstream. The idea of ingesting disinfectant for one (thank you Lysol for the clarification). The neverending stream of snake oil salesmen, grifters, and know-nothings, for another… and that’s just the President’s daily “news” briefing (rim shot from the drummer please!)
Though in all seriousness, let us not ignore the benefits of the Age of Corona. This pandemic has given many of us the opportunity to spend more time with our loved ones, while also reminding us of why we avoided these people in the first place. For city dwellers, there’s less traffic and less pollution. For rural areas, well… there will be less city dwellers after this is all over.
But most importantly, for observers of personality, a pandemic is a fantastic time to people-watch. Panic, fear, paranoia—not only are these stimulants that bring out the batshit crazy, anti-vaxxer, sign-toting, simultaneously aggrieved and entitled dregs of America (beautifully juxtaposed with their unselfish betters, i.e. health providers, first responders, and countless other magnanimous citizens of the world), but they also give us a revealing look into the nature of our friends and neighbors.
Mike Tyson likes to say, “everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” Well, Corona sure has punched us in the mouth, and how we respond to it, without thought, planning, or artifice, reveals who we truly are as people.
Here is what your personality type is doing during the Coronavirus pandemic!
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Stag (ESTJ) – In important times like these, people look to the leaders around them, so it’s imperative that you set a good example. Of course, being a responsible citizen, you acknowledge that there’s a balance between following proper health protocol and you—not so secretly—still going into the office as an exquisite demonstration of toughness.
Beaver (ISTJ) – Congratulations! Thanks to you and your fellow Beavers, stores all over the country have run out of toilet paper, paper towels, and various other household sundries. I get it. No one wants to take a shit and not be able to wipe. But do you really need fifty packages of sausage in your fridge?
Elephant (ESFJ) – Time to start baking! Sitting by the warmth of the oven, you can just feel your heart rise with the yeast. That is, until your relatives won’t let you into their house—yay social distancing!—and you now have twenty pounds of banana bread sitting on your kitchen counter.
Bear (ISFJ) – Part farmer, part florist, all greenthumb. A few weeks in and you’re already an accomplished agricultural maven. If you could just get your damn relatives to stop showing up without any warning with a lifetime supply of banana bread. I mean, are they trying to infect you?
Fox (ESTP) – Unfortunately, your plan to make a quick million by hoarding and selling hand sanitizer fell through (damn you, government intervention!). But you know what they say… when God closes a hand sanitizer, he opens a face mask!
Shark (ISTP) – Who’s working out like a champ while stalking (insert random IG model here) being a tramp?
Peacock (ESFP) – Who’s on Instagram hoing it up?
Butterfly (ISFP) – By now, you’re probably overwhelmed by all of the Etsy orders.
Killer Whale (ENTJ) – Still trying to get your business classified as essential so you can put all those lazy half-asses you call employees—or is it the other way around?—back to work.
Spider (INTJ) – Your carefully calculated plan to minimize the spread of the disease and maximize the utility of scarce medical resources goes out the window when… 1. The Peacock in your family goes to Florida for Spring Break, and… 2. The Beaver in your family buys one hundred rolls of paper towels, further cementing your future plans to replace your family members with robots.
Chimpanzee (ENTP) – Still trolling right- and left-wingers on Twitter, and now your podcast has added listeners—let’s face it, no one has anything better to do.
Owl (INTP) – Working from home. Playing games with friends over Zoom. Getting your blueberry yogurt and instant Quaker oatmeal delivered from the grocery store. Come to think of it, nothing much has changed for you.
Dolphin (ENFJ) – Missing eating out, traveling, and your weekly yoga class. Hey, at least you found yourself a vegan, eco-friendly meal kit. It’ll keep you energized as you record your latest vlog on proper handwashing.
Panda (INFJ) – You listened to your Beaver father and stocked up on food online. Which, in your case, meant fifty bags of Funyuns that’ll all be gone in about a week as you continue to stress-eat your way through this pandemic with a couple of your favorite things: massive internal conflict and a re-read of the personality classics!
Baboon (ENFP) – There’s a time for everything, and now is your time. Time to write that great American novel. Time to learn magic from that MasterClass your brother gave you for Christmas. Time to learn how to play Stairway to Heaven on that dusty acoustic guitar. Riiiiiiight. You’ve spent the last month re-watching The Mind of a Chef, and are planning on moving on to the Chef Show next month.
Humpback Whale (INFP) – You’re holed up in a bunker, owned by a person you met at a sculpting class. You’ve got everything you need. Unlimited varieties of craft beer, frozen pizza, and a ginormous beanbag from which you scan Twitch for more Alinity nip slips and enjoy access to your ex’s Hulu account.
I know what you’re thinking. This is way off. That’s not what I’m doing! Share your MBTI type and what you’re really doing in the comments section below.