I am an INFJ who only discovered my type a year ago, but I haven’t been able to read enough about personality theory since. As soon as I was able to use it to explain my weirdness, I wanted the rest of my family to type themselves, including my husband. It turns out he’s an INTJ.
Based on what I’ve read about the best relationship matches, the commonly recommended mate for an INFJ seems to be either an ENFP or ENTP. I would certainly not argue against these pairings, especially since I haven’t been romantically involved with either type. But I do believe the INFJ-INTJ relationship is often overlooked due to fear of too much introversion or an emotional mismatch.
Of course these are generalizations, something personality theory as a whole is subject to. I’ve also read that the intuitive bond between an INFJ and INTJ is nearly instantaneous, something I can certainly attest to. I think it was this that got my attention when I met my husband: he was self-assured, intelligent, wonderfully sarcastic, and aloof. I had never met someone so much like me, but with more confidence.
He was in a previous relationship with someone who enjoyed socializing regularly, and he describes this as a source of constant struggle between them. He wanted to stay home most of the time, so she accused him of being boring. I haven’t had this experience in a relationship per se, but I’ve certainly been called anti-social more than once. I avoid talking on the phone (or, God forbid, FaceTime – the horror), shopping anywhere but online, and keeping more than a couple of friends, because all these require far more interaction than I’m interested in having. We’ve been married for 10 years, and he’s still the one encouraging me to get out and do something that includes leaving the house. From my perspective, this is a win-win. I get the encouragement I need to socialize, even if from another introvert, and he gets to feel less hermit-y and boring compared to me.
We complement each other well; my abstract thinking jives with his detail-orientation and logistical tendency. Anything I can think up, he can execute. But to say he is all implementation and no creative input would be inaccurate as well as an underestimation – he thinks about a project and studies it, then is able to recreate it in a drawing on paper. Then he will build it to look exactly like his drawings and comment calmly that he’s never built one of those before. I’m generally not a fan of details, so this ability continues to impress me. My grand ideas might be earth-shattering, but they may or may not be realistic; I’m not always the best judge. But my husband can think deeply about and evaluate a situation, quickly deciding whether or not something will work. He’s frighteningly accurate, even in areas he’s not totally familiar with.
At least in my experience, these two types are well-matched in strength of will, self-reliance, intellect, and intuition (though the INFJ probably has it there). These similarities must come at a price, I suppose, and it is this: the deep well of INFJ emotion versus overriding INTJ rationality. It has always been fairly uncommon for us to argue; our shared intuition leads us to respect and encourage each other. At our best, we can rationally discuss issues and come to a resolution that we can both live with. At our worst, I am pinging in the red zone of an emotional meltdown, and he is saying absolutely nothing (if there’s one type that can clam up on you, it’s an INTJ!). Since we’ve discovered our personality types and used them to better understand ourselves, I don’t take this as personally as I used to. He also understands that I need to emote and talk, and that shutting down is not often an option with me. However, I appreciate his efforts even more since I realize how different he is from me regarding emotional sensitivity.
Another situation unique to the INFJ-INTJ pair that is bound to come up, and soon: the INFJ’s ability to perceive things and read a room with scary accuracy. Both types are intuitive, and my husband can glean things from others and a room environment as well. The problem lies in the fact that the INFJ can ‘see’ past the things the INTJ can’t, most often with little proof. That will be an issue for the INTJ – if it can’t be seen or touched or proven, it may as well not exist. So many times I have pointed out to my husband that a certain individual is shady, only to have him roll his eyes and shrug me off. I have predicted many an outcome to a variety of situations, and still he wobbles when I tell him I can see and feel things. Trying to convince a Rational with zero evidence is no small task.
Even considering these inherent differences, we can learn from each other using what we know about ourselves. My emotional sensitivity wears me down at times, but my husband teaches me to separate myself from the emotions of others. He’s shown me that I’m not responsible for the well-being of those in my life and how to say “no” more often. Because my husband is less emotionally afflicted than me, he can be unaware of how someone might receive something he says. I’ve taught him to filter his thoughts a little better as to avoid hurting others whenever possible. And I hope I’ve shown him to have faith in the things that can’t be seen.
My husband told me shortly after we met that he found me intimidating. I thought this was completely ridiculous because:
a) I mean, really. I’m just trying not to trip in front of you, and
b) I was the one who was seriously intimidated.
INTJs can come across as cold, but he’s much sweeter than he likes to let on. The challenge of getting to know him was a refreshing one, as I had to work hard for it. But as soon as I spent a little time with him and heard his witty, sarcastic humor, I was hooked. I could see and feel things then just like I can now, and my intuition told me this was going to be way more than I ever expected.
If the INFJ female to INTJ male is a dark horse, then the unicorn is the INTJ female to INFJ male.
So What would that make INTJ male to INFJ male? ;P
A dark horse. That’s kinda the topic of the article…
Good question, let me know when you figure it out haha, I’m a INFJ male secretly in love with a INTJ male. Intimidating? Yeah, but, exciting challenging? heck yeah, he’s adorable :9
Ahhh a dark unicorn 🙂
my boyfriend is an immature INFJ and I happen to be a tired INTJ. Is it a unicorn or a malnourished rhinoceros? I dont know……… I dont know…..
All of these comments are cracking me up:) Glad y’all enjoyed it!! Immature INFJs cans DEFINITELY be difficult, because I was😏
The picture is perfect.
Reminds me of the intoxicating grace of an INFJ…
I could have written this myself, almost word for word.
I am an INFJ who loves her INTJ very, very much.
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
I felt the exact same! It felt very surreal reading when they met, he was with someone else at the time, she being sociable and whatnot, it felt like my own lige for a bit. So strange lol I feel like this opened a positive doorway to my own relationship with my intj man.
I’m so happy to hear that! 🙂
Agreed. Exactly what I said after reading this. I too am an INFJ in love with an intj
I am an INTJ female, albeit with a fairly weak T preference. My partner is strongly INFJ. For us, this is a very lovely pairing too. We get along almost effortlessly, and this became apparent almost as soon as we met. If you reverse the gender, much of what you describe applies in our case. He is teaching me a little more about myself, and I am finding a gentler side – embracing mercy over justice in my approach to life and other people a little more if you like, while I think I am teaching him to trust in himself more, and not care so much about the opinions of others. I really loved your line “I get the encouragement I need to socialize, even if from another introvert, and he gets to feel less hermit-y and boring compared to me.” I didn’t realise it, but after being the ‘quiet introverted one’ in my family, it is nice to feel like the social butterfly and responsible for drawing someone else out of their hermit’s tower into the big wide stimulation filled world once in a while! Most of my close friends happen to be INFJ’s too, and these are also deep and sustaining relationships. The world without INFJs would be a much diminished one in my opinion, and if anyone out there is wondering about this INTJ/INFJ pairing I would say go for it, assuming both have the capacity for a little personal growth. I guess though that goes in a pairing of any kind.
Thank you for the feedback???? I’m glad you could relate! I really enjoy female INTJs, as well (see my most recent post). They’re quite refreshing????
I, also, am an INFJ with a INTJ husband. Even after I finally got him to take the MBTI test & he was “labeled” INTJ, I was still trying to decipher if he was REALLY an INTJ or INTP (his T/P were very close, only leaning somewhat over to the J side). Now, after some more research and finally realizing he’s definitely INTJ, I feel like I can understand him better. The emotional aspect of his mind is what always intrigued me because he always appears so outwardly cold, but I can see the wheels of emotion turning inside his head. I really enjoy reading about his type because I feel like it helps me understand him better, since he’s an emotional clam and I have to catch him at the right time to talk about anything non-logical or rational. My main problem is that every time I try to bring up MBTI-related things I get an eye-roll & I can’t get him to open up enough to understand MY type and how HE can understand why I am the way that I am & do the weird things that I do. Any advice??
I understand the eye roll! I had to endure the initial pandering from my husband when I first became excited about MBTI. Not sure I have any useful advice, but I do know that behind the high-powered logic is an intuitive who is capable of understanding you. He may know you better than you think – they pay close attention????
I am dating an INTJ male and I am a INFJ female. I am 34 (divorced 2x) and I can honestly say I have never been happier. We just get each other – good and bad – and allow each other to be who we are independently and in the relationship. Wish I would have met him many years ago, but happy I have him now. 🙂
Yeah this is my 11 year relationship also except even as the infj, I am way less introverted than my intj husband. I always say married people should hate most of the same things rather than love most of the same things…this is a great example of why. Sure we have interests in common but as two I’s, you can be sure nobody is dragging the other to a damn festival or parade. Just as long as someone helps the other not be a total shut in (I make most of our friends) then I see nothing dark about it. In the past we might have been called “homebodies”.
I like this .. “Couples should hate most of the same things rather than love most of the same things” …
I 100% agree, especially about not being dragged to outings… 😉
Elizabeth, I wonder if I can get your advise- I’m an INFJ.. I’ve been with an INTJ guy for 6 months and am nervous to be falling fast and heavy emotionally…
My fear at this point is that my INTJ and I dont have a lot in common even if there’s a deep intimacy and shared intuition building… I love the outdoors and getting dirty and sweaty but he would rather watch than join. Of course he comes out once in a while but it’s not easy. He rather read on the beach than go into the jungle. We don’t share the same taste in music or sports ( two things important to me) but we both do love theatre, dining ( of course) and arts.
He’s quite clumsy with his affection but I see he craves mine.. And I don’t mind this.. I do think we could produce great projects and plans together although we haven’t quite had the chance. He’s a great listener and gives me confidence, it’s true. I haven’t shared this kind of intimacy with someone in a long time. But…. I’m afraid his introversion will make me even more introverted. I usually wish to be with someone who would pull me out once in a while. I would say he has a lot of people in his life- but he seems to have trouble differentiating who is worth giving attention to.
I wonder if I will get used to not having a hiking or running partner or if he’ll consider getting out more. … Maybe I should just seek those activities with other friends and savor the intimacy we share?… I’m almost 28… I’ve been in enough relationships to know that there’s something good here but there’s something missing. Then again, we can’t have everything eh? I just wish I knew what I’ll miss or be most thankful for in some years…
I’m not sure I can give good advice, but I think that if you’ve bonded on a deep level, the more superficial things will work themselves out… We are definitely closer now than we were initially, but it took time. Your INTJ may be open to things that he hasn’t verbalized yet. The main mistake I made was not giving my husband enough credit emotionally – it’s there, they just don’t tap into it like we (INFJ) do. Also, my husband seemed more rigid and unwilling to change at first, but now I know that’s his default/safe place; he will not do something for just anyone, but he will for me:) I hope this helps. As a fellow INFJ, the best advice I can give you is to listen to your intuition!
Seriously, you both seems so cute :’)
I laughed at the last part ahahahha “intimidating” ahahhahha
I would find a INTJ. I’m pretty sure I havent met anyone…shit…I dont know where to find :’)
I’m an INFJ female as well and I agree that INFJs and INTJs are amazing matches; to me, even greater than ENFP and ENTP.
One of my great loves was an INTJ. Unfortunately things did not work out between him and I (for other reasons however), but I’ve evaluated my past relationships and future matches for a long time and I feel the most compatible with INTJs. Sometimes I even feel like an INTJ myself, but I think it’s just because we can be so similar. The whole rational vs. emotional issue did come up quite a lot, but he still loved like no other and so he couldn’t deny his emotional side as well, which I loved. We were both a bit to dark and unhealthy for each other, having experienced a lot of difficult things in our lives and so that also became an issue, but I think with two healthy people that wouldn’t be a problem.
I loved reading all these stories of other INFJ-INTJ couples. Makes me miss him, but also smile and feel warm inside. Never have I fallen in love with someone so quickly. We’d had small interactions for months, but a week within starting to have deeper conversations, we fell in love hard. Instantly. Never have I fallen for someone so intensely and so quickly. We had the best conversations just laying on the bed talking about anything from odd theories on life, to political conservations, to just plain goofy moments with him doing his funny lisp or little dance. I haven’t found at with anyone else. It was definitely one for the books.
Thanks for writing this piece! I loved reading it and realizing that I’m not alone in experiencing this deep connection with an INTJ. 🙂
Thank you for your feedback! I’m glad you enjoyed it:)
this made me giggle! Because it’s so true! Even that we are so different and the same. we complement each other so perfectly! We have also the same personalities as you two.
First of all, what a great article. So accurate. I’m an INTJ female, and my boyfriend is an INFJ. I just want to say, I’ve never been so happy before, in any other relationship, with this level of trust and connection. He completes me, and even though we have our differences (him being more emotional and gentle than I am; his heart/gut/intuition and feelings rule his actions, and now I understand that it can be a good thing as well as being logical), I think we are soulmates. He’s wise beyond his years, kind, soft and yet strong, and he reminds me of moral values as charity, mercy, to be understanding and caring. He helps me to keep in touch with my soft side, and I appreciate that. I think I’ve become more flexible with people since I’m with him.
I love my INFJ, and I wouldn’t change him. And besides that, he’s the person I need in my life. This relationship is helping me to grow and improve, to be a better human being.
Thank you for the compliments! I love when my experience can help others☺
Am an INFJ male and i have always believed that we are perfect with you ladies..
Tell me more dear. How long have you guys been together
I’m an INTJ female, and my husband is an INFJ. It makes total sense to me why these two types make such good pairs. (I don’t understand the typical pairing with an extrovert, I could never be with an extrovert!) I think having the female be the INTJ makes for a even better partnership since that gives me a bit more intuition about feelings and him being INFJ tones down his emotional side. We have fantastic communication, agree on almost everything and like to do a lot of the same things. Our strengths and weaknesses really compliment each other as well. I have always thought we were lucky to find each other and even more so now that I know how rare our types are.
I am an INFJ and last year I began a friendship with an INTJ coworker. This article helped me understand her so much better!! I used to come home crying because I thought she didn’t care about me. I felt like it was useless to be her friend. This article has helped me realize that she DOES care – she just shows it in a different way than I do. Thank you so much! 🙂
I am so humbled AND pumped that this article helped you!!! That’s exactly why I wrote it🙂
THis is so accurate! I am an infj and my husband is intj. We have been married for 17 years and together for 22. He doesn’t question my insights and as a mother of 4 I am very in tuned to all of my children’s emotions as well.
Hi, I’m not sure if you will get a a chance to answer my question or not but I was doing research on personality types and came across this post. Wonderfully written by the way. I am also an infj and the person I am interested in is intj.
We seem to struggle a lot with something in particular and that is the emotional element as you said. Our biggest issue is that I seem to blow up in emotional frustration and he shuts me out completely and I have to work at getting him to come back to me and be open again. How did you work through this in your relationship?
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I felt that way with my INTJ early on, and I think we as INFJs try to make things our fault that aren’t. I think the INTJ personality comes across as cold and aloof, but my husband is a sweetheart in secret🙂 I think the key to communication between y’all is to realize he’s different from you emotionally, and he will respond differently as a result. Maybe it’s helpful to realize your emotional response (which is not wrong!) is likely to overwhelm this type, as feelings aren’t their go-to function. He will come back to you and communicate in his own way, which may seem cold or insensitive to us, but they are blunt! Don’t take it personally☺ They need our emotional connection, because it helps them be more in tune with their own feelings. Hope all this rambling helps!😉 Good luck.
Thank you for sharing this article and for those who gives a comment.I am INFJ and he is INTJ.I hope our relationship becomes better in the future.
Hi. I was wondering if you could elaborate on something. INTJs and INFJs are both intuitive dominant types so why is it that you are able to “see” things better than your husband? For example- when you think a person is shady, why can’t your husband also see it if he is also intuitive? Is it because of your strong feeling function? And hoe would an INTJs intuition be different if we are thinkers? Thanks very much.
Hi I have a question/ experience I would like to share and quiet embarrassed about it..so please be gentle…
I am an infj female and got to know a intj male over a year ago, at that time neither of us knew the types but we knew we connected and I fell in love quiet quickly and so did he, but he never really revealed it or how he felt in anyway on n verbal way that I could understand but with action it was there….however with his blunt nature I resolved after a few months that he didnt care about me or love me and that he most probabily just using me, like one thinks guys do….I was ofcaurse terribly wrong, but in this mindset I told him I want to focus on the friendship part of our ‘relationship’ as to have an oppertunity to just clear my mind and to do introspection of how I feel…the concept of a relationship is still a scary concept to him and he does not like calling or naming things…..nonetheless he didnt react well to the friendship part and kept persueing me, however he ended up sending rather mean things to me for months out of what I now understand to be a hurt and somewhat frantic mindset, trying to connect and not loose what he loves..and the fact that I met a INFP a few weeks later didnt help, in some ways the INFP was like a shelter someone who understand the emotional part and have a more gracefull way to talk to me, as the blunt manner of the INTJ even with pure intention did hurt me deeply as then I didnt understand how can I feel the love and connection between us knowing he does too yet there he goes and just tramples over my feelings with his arrogant, blunt and almost un-merciful way and by the time im so hurt my thinking kicks in and his feeling kicks in..then im to hardass to want a hug or make up immediately, wanting space to think, and he feels rejected because now he is soft and vulnurable and all he want to do is make up and pushes and gets more sad if I do not respond receptively immediantely… so the INFP fell head over heals…and I too grew to love him deeply, however not inlove but have a great love for him, in some ways my heart was stolen by the INTJ who I met first but also hurt alot and the fact that he didnt let go meant I never really did either…the INFP started a friend who would be there supportively when I was ‘mourning’ my INTJ…and as such is where the deeper connecting started, and he eventually started hating the INTJ, which saddens me, because why hate, but he blames the INTJ for not ‘releasing’ me so that I can only love him, and start to grow a love only for him…so bit of a trangle here…though I have countless times explained I am not ready for a commited relationship as I feel I have the need to focus on building my own life now and with past experience I tend to shift my primary focus on the relationship Im in…, To an extent my heart is still broken somewhat numbish ast the moment and I want to heal, but I dont want to loose anyone, the INTP gets me on an emotional level, but I saw a malicious side that freightened me, passive aggressive…oh how he can love, but oh how he can hate aswell..my fear of ‘giving in’ to the INFP is what if the love he has for me turns into hate..he says he will always be there, my heart want to trust what he says but just dont atleast not yet… its been almost a year now where things have been going up and down emotionally, he keeps on trying to get me to be in a relationship with him…neither really hears when I say I need space to think and just listen to what I feel, I have found that both can be obsessive, jealous and in some ways manipulitive..but love me deeply and do not want to let go. however the fact that INFP are more intuned with their feelings makes that the love they can give and the warmth you feel able to swing in the other direction too as they are almost more volatile tending to go to extremes..and the INTJ is more stable level headed but emotionally more young and naive to an extend…i have found that he tend to be more logical about things, sometimes it makes you wonder if it feels..haha oh but what a soft gentle soul and nature ehen not provoked or emotionally stressed …i do not now if it a personality type or just the individual bit his view on relationships are almost clinical in nature as he also has more understanding for me towards also having love for the INFP, and wants me to do what I want irrespective of what he wants, in a way he doesnt want what he wants to influence the choice of what I want….btw. this sucks because I want to also hear that he want me to be with him, he does I know he does…but the fact that he is atleast trying to give me space to figure out how I feel and that he does not condem me for having love for the INFP puts me to ease a bit…the INFP however do not want to hear anything about it, and wants me to shut off regarding the INTJ…he can be very hard and cold..we would go through times , for eexample it was really really though times where he would be happy if I was affectionate, but he’d push it and then I would speak to him about it, he would hear what he didnt want to hear and then he would withdraw himself, be cold, ignooring me in some ways until I would try and connect again, slightly give in and hed push again and we would talk..the cycle continued for months aswell, I felt like the puntching bag between the two, angry they didnt heed to what I said in the beginning to approach me gentle, not to push. Give me time to move on, and just process everything…I want them in my life, they are great friends, beautiful people that both go out of their way to improve themselves and learn I find that attractive. Yet at this stage I dont find myself ready to let go, I have even considered just being friends with the INTJ and romatic with the INFP as this seems like the only way not to loose anyone..as I know if I had to choose the INTJ the INFP would dissapear..atleast for a while…the nice thing about the INFP is that he involves me, treats me like a girl( sometimes its nice sometimes I dont like it as it feels demeaning as if I am not supposed to be able to understand what the guys are.talking about and I do not intend to be in a relationship that transcibes to the culural norm..though I do agree with aspects thereoff) the INTJ wants and motivates me to be independent, encourages me with my dreams and work, he doesnt want a dependent and want me to find happiness in myself first, I agree to this, in some ways I feel the INFP has become.dependent on me to provide this, I am not able, I have also found the INFP similarly to myself to have the tendency to try and numb what he feels, but more in.an extreme and unhealthy way…when I would tell him at this.moment he is too unstable for.me he would.say but I am making him unstable, the fact that I am incontact and somewhat still close to the INTJ freaks him out…if I look back I am grateful h..yeah…basically the sum of what went down…
* when I look back I feel both greatful and a little used…a little taken advantage off…
Misunderstood.. but also super loved and accepted….? Confused much
So which one did you end up with?
Hello. I am simply curious. In what way did your husband feel intimidated by you?
The INTJ is still a child with no emotion, maybe past trauma. They use people as toys, covert narcisstic tendencies. Myself being INFJ just realised this, we make great counsellors when woke up , remembering patterns of there past and reading people. The INTJ loves the INFJ’s warth for their own fullfilment and ego, but the INFJ eventually gets emotionally drained and leaves. Love at first sight never works, student and teacher. etc
there we go, an infj thinking only them have Ni ,
Ni is indeed fool proof but most of the time people who claim to have used it are using other functions
i dont recommend infjs or enfps for any intj coz they can Never understand the intj despite the colourful claims
feelers almost always find ” something missing or wrong abt thinkers despite all reasonable attempts by a thinker
they continously try to hammer to” feelerness” on to a totally different brain and when they fail”; intjs are childish narcissists”
if your intj indeed ” used” you there is a massive chance their Ni told them there is something abt you that just didnt connect and your post just proves you most likely just wanted to use them!
intjs dont play games when it comes to relationships at all, you may claim to have given all but remember intjs also lead with Ni and probably detected something you didnt detect in yourself
I want an INTJ to love so badly; they are it for me. (The magic inherent there, both personal and professional, is something I’ve been lucky enough to experience, and it’s a drug I cannot get enough of.) Also, this was a fantastic article to read, I really appreciate your writing it, thank you! <3